The Droppin Well bombing. December 6, 1982,

Morning Bean,Like Widnesmanc,Ive seen in an indirect way,how things like this can affect people,one espesially comes to mind,I was serving in lurgan with A mate whos sister was caught up in an explosion on the mainland,I visited hes home once or twice when i left the army,but have since lost touch.I remember their being real hatred in him for the people that done it,i do remember that much.Bean,You try and look after your self mate.

I was actually based at Ballykelly in 1980/81 and ended up getting engaged to a girl from coleraine, one of her best friends was Valerie Mcintyre who naturally became a good friend of mine, the pair of them came and visited me back over on the mainland after I left the province, Although the relationship didn't work out I still had fond memories of both my ex and Valerie. When I heard that the bomb had gone off I managed to get hold of the ex's parents to make sure she was alright as I knew both her and valerie used to frequent the pub. Fortunately for my ex she did not go out that night but unfortunately for Valerie she did, She was one of the civilians killed that dreadfull night and although I wasn';t there I still feel in someway (indirectly) I was involved. Every rememberance day I always spare a moment to remember all those that lost their lives that night especially Valerie a good friend never to be forgotton.

Tears are honestly flowing here Rctvet, I hope you have had a reasonably fulfilling life since, but, as I know, the demons in the night just leave you tired in the morning. Mornings are sh1t because you dont know whats going to happen that day. Afternoons are a little better cos you have got the fog from your mind but the best time of the day is in my case quite late in the evening when its peaceful and you have played the "I will stay up later than you game" with your wife. YOU know where I am coming from, thats when the demons start again. I havent gambled for 6 months now, but when I did I would do a months wages in one night! I still drink, but I am getting it under control bit by bit. Those are the things I can control, but I do dread going to sleep! I have no control over what my mind does at night and woke up the other night shouting "stop it" to the ghosts and the furbie who were making my bed shake.I woke up the following morning to soaking sheets and was sick for 3 days afterwards through pure mental exhaustion.

If there is such a thing, then you and I are friends in isolation.....let us change that for all our sakes but just as importantly, for the sake of those who have seen us through it and loved us regardless!

As ever,

Bean

I steadily got worse, drinking, gambling and erupting for no reason

The exact same self rehabilitation that I have been doing for years, but I have asked the army for help and believe me folks, things havent changed. They say they will help, but they pay lip service to it with veiled threats of job security, and lets face it who needs a guy flying a helicopter who isnt feeling mentally balanced? Is it better that I have hidden this for the past 29 years and getting steadily worse by the day. Yes I have lost my rag and I said to a wife (of one of my Sgts) in a social situation 5 months ago that "I will stick that noisy little toy up your arse if you press the button again" (it was a childs toy and annoying me in the unit bar during a social)....instant suspension as a WO1, how do I know its 5 months? cos I`m still suspended for sexual harassment and they dont know what to do with me. How PC does this army have to get? Have we forgotten about the concept of acceptable risk in bollocking our soldiers? Soap box stowed sorry, now back on track......Things like that have dogged me throughout my job (I refuse to call it a career!) and to be honest I should have been pulled up earlier for much worse (but never ******** on my mates or their families)....but RCTVET, please please get in touch, I feel that we have so much more in common than most of those who have passed through your life, I now know that if I need to shed a tear, then I will go straight to your post!!!

Respect and love mate, sincerely!

Bean

A very good thread this.

Welcome mate, welcome to the site. It is threads like these that are the heart and soul of NIVA; for those who have been searching the 'ether' for somewhere they can feel at home, that looks familiar and can pretty much guarantee a sympathetic hearing; or a slagging, if it is required.

It is this way because it is made so by us - Bean, Lori, Jock, Mal, Onion, me, everyone who wanders around these pages has a part in it, a stake, a scratcher that is theirs.

The truths, laughs and sorrows are ours, and we are able to see aspects of every tale in our own experiences. Writing them helps everyone, and helps to unload the baggage and warm the heart, even if it involves fallen friends. They should be remembered in their completeness, because that is who they were. They would want us to rememeber them that way.

The threads can be everything we want them to be; it's all part of our journey to deal with the past that is always present.

I would echo the comments about the loved ones in our lives, those of us who have been blessed with someone who doesn't allow us to take ourselves too seriously and often gets us to 'wise the f**k up'. I can honestly say that, if it had not been for the girl who stayed beside me when the walls came tumbling down one night after a lot of drink, I would probably be dead by now and not necessarily by the hand of those we faced in the 'job'.

It's been 29 great years, and I've been a lucky man. And I am thankful every day for her, and our family.

I found this site, by chance, on Monday when i was looking for items on the Droppin Well, as i do every year around this time.
I was also in there that night and have felt a sense of isolation ever since because you can't explain the feelings which are deep within you to anybody who wasn't there. I always felt a fraud because i am here and so many are not, so to find a small community who understand and to read other peoples perspective goes some way to helping me feel a bit better about myself.
I stayed on in Ballykelly for another 3 years because i felt i was abandoning those that suffered there and when i was posted was set on leaving the Army to go back over there. My Fiance, now my wife, persauded me to stay in. I steadily got worse, drinking, gambling and erupting for no reason until 13 years later i heard an item on BFBS radio describing the symptoms of PTSD, i realised then that i had a problem and as i was nearing the end of my Army career decided to seek some help, the Army didn't take too kindly to people with "problems" in those days! The guy i ended up seeing helped me a lot, he didn't judge, and for the first time i had someone to talk to. He made me relive that night more than once and more than once i ended up crying like a baby.
My wife comes from Londonderry and so i very often pass the Well but never had the balls to go in. Last year i managed to get down to the memorial garden in Ballykelly on the 6th, very early in the morning, on my own as i thought i would be for the rest of my days.
I would like to thank you all for the warm welcome i received and for the knowledge that should i feel the need in the future to unload my feelings there is somewhere i can come.

You buggers have got me sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks onto my tee shirt, where else in the world could I have found such a bunch of twits who would listen to my whitterings and old stories? except maybe the pub, but we dont have any here in this here muslim country!!

its not my choice again, but here I find myself!!

Bird,

I will put this public, it was as bad for you getting there as it was for us inside!! we at least had an excuse to leave, you had a duty NOT to.......

So bear the burden no more my friend, you did what you could and as a fellow soldier and human being.....I love and respect you for it sincerely, forever yours,

Bean.

Thank you for those words Bean

Lori, This is for you in particular, but for those out there who wish to comment or criticise, then your words are more than welcome.

I have been selfish all these years and have probably always had a passion for what I was doing at the time, regardless of location. But, I have never had the opportunity to treat life seriously, that serious part of my brain went that night by the things that happened and I will just brush over what I have already written. I believe in something, I dont know what it is but for me it is not God, that too was taken away that night as I couldnt reconcile myself with an atrocity of that scale being attributed to catholics, of which at the time I was one (not very practicing, but I still respected the sanctity of the catholic church). So I lost the lot, I lost friends, I lost my religion and I lost sections of my family for various reasons, but what I found that night was humour and a blinding faith in strangers and that for me has kept me alive, and I do mean it has saved my life!

My faith in strangers makes me naive, sometimes to a point when I look stupid, but to counter that I have been blessed with the wit of a hardened squaddie, and just act the part to best effect without making myself look daft but filing that experience away for later!

I have had what most from the outside would think have led an exceptionally fortunate service life, but I always knew who I was and where I came from and never wanted to change, the officers mess would never have accepted my street humour, so I never even asked. I wanted to fight for people without the constraints of politics and I think the world needs that cos if it wasn`t for politics this would never have happened!

I feel that I have put more into this world than I have ever got out but on the flipside I also got out of that terrible mess physically intact, and every day I think of them in some small way, so I do things in their name (but in my head obviously, or I would have been sectioned years ago!) So never be nasty and always listen and see the good in people, that is my mantra.

I know how the ladies feel, I have done much listening over the years. I don`t wish to be one of "those men". I was probably lucky enough to marry the most understanding person I know in this world, but please dont tell her! She is my "tail end charlie" always watching my arse and poking it from time to time! She is unassuming and quiet, but as strong mentally as anyone I know, I honestly dont know how she copes. Maybe we met at the right time, who knows?

To lose a friend is to lose an eye! you lose sight of the world as you know it, but you aren`t blinded by it. You losing Dave was just your perception changing, you never regain that sight, but you learn to deal with it!

I dont know what you did or what you do now, but please understand, as a friend....I am there for you should you ever need another kleenex..

Bean.

This thread has been one of the most movingI have read on here - and I have been in tears at times reading it, as I am when I read Kens books. I am lucky in that I never had to witness any horrors first hand and cant begin to imagine how I would have coped had I found myself in any such situation. The whole of my time in Londonderry I never once got close to any incidents - just did my turn on the checkpoints without any problems - I was always off duty when news of any shootings/ bombings occured - my 8mths passed by with relative ease.

I have not been left unaffected though, due to the loss of my Uncle and my ex hubbys best friend - my Uncle killed in 72 and our close friend in 1984.

If I am honest I was more scared when I returned to NI as an army wife in 1984 - we lived in quarters outside barracks in Lisburn and my children were just 2 and 3 at the time - we we there for 2 years and living there you got to hear an awful lot more about what was going on than maybe the wives back home did. Every day was like living on a knifes edge waiting for hubby to come home. My friend Carol was another army wife out there, she too had 2 small toddlers just like me, she lived in Londonderry and shortly after we arrived in Lisburn we were going to visit them for a weekend - we never made it - Carols husband Dave Ross was killed just a few days before our planned visit. The memory of that will live with me forever.

I'd guess and say that's you on the left, Onion?

[On1on]

This is on my wall at work, dated November 76, that gets some comments as well...

Tell me about it - talking to a 'young 'un' about his first posting, Strabane, and when I said I had first been there in 1979 he looked at me like it was before time began.

Got a picture on the wall behind my desk at the minute, a group of blokes in 'working clothes' with big stupid grins; a visitor asked me when it had been taken - 'May 1981', says I - 'Christ I was in high school then' says he. The bloke I work with was 5 when it was taken.

I look at it and can remember how I felt, what I was doing, where I was (that's a relief ;-)) and what came afterwards. It made me what I am, and kept me from becoming someone else.

Memories are like photos; they are snapshots of time, with smells, sights, names (sometimes) and places, situations. And it is funny what can spur them up - a sound, a smell, a tune on the radio, a name, a face. And it can bring old emotions back sharply, too: some things still don't look 'right', for reasons that seem reasonable to you but not to everyone else.

People don't always have to learn about our time - they just have to be reminded, it happened, it was in all the papers, and it happened to us. These are our stories, this was our life.