The Droppin Well bombing. December 6, 1982,

[Guest Close rctvet]

I found this site, by chance, on Monday when i was looking for items on the Droppin Well, as i do every year around this time.
I was also in there that night and have felt a sense of isolation ever since because you can't explain the feelings which are deep within you to anybody who wasn't there. I always felt a fraud because i am here and so many are not, so to find a small community who understand and to read other peoples perspective goes some way to helping me feel a bit better about myself.
I stayed on in Ballykelly for another 3 years because i felt i was abandoning those that suffered there and when i was posted was set on leaving the Army to go back over there. My Fiance, now my wife, persauded me to stay in. I steadily got worse, drinking, gambling and erupting for no reason until 13 years later i heard an item on BFBS radio describing the symptoms of PTSD, i realised then that i had a problem and as i was nearing the end of my Army career decided to seek some help, the Army didn't take too kindly to people with "problems" in those days! The guy i ended up seeing helped me a lot, he didn't judge, and for the first time i had someone to talk to. He made me relive that night more than once and more than once i ended up crying like a baby.
My wife comes from Londonderry and so i very often pass the Well but never had the balls to go in. Last year i managed to get down to the memorial garden in Ballykelly on the 6th, very early in the morning, on my own as i thought i would be for the rest of my days.
I would like to thank you all for the warm welcome i received and for the knowledge that should i feel the need in the future to unload my feelings there is somewhere i can come.

[BigStevie Old Sweat Find all posts View Profile Close BigStevie]

Welcome mate, welcome to the site. It is threads like these that are the heart and soul of NIVA; for those who have been searching the 'ether' for somewhere they can feel at home, that looks familiar and can pretty much guarantee a sympathetic hearing; or a slagging, if it is required.

It is this way because it is made so by us - Bean, Lori, Jock, Mal, Onion, me, everyone who wanders around these pages has a part in it, a stake, a scratcher that is theirs.

The truths, laughs and sorrows are ours, and we are able to see aspects of every tale in our own experiences. Writing them helps everyone, and helps to unload the baggage and warm the heart, even if it involves fallen friends. They should be remembered in their completeness, because that is who they were. They would want us to rememeber them that way.

The threads can be everything we want them to be; it's all part of our journey to deal with the past that is always present.

I would echo the comments about the loved ones in our lives, those of us who have been blessed with someone who doesn't allow us to take ourselves too seriously and often gets us to 'wise the f**k up'. I can honestly say that, if it had not been for the girl who stayed beside me when the walls came tumbling down one night after a lot of drink, I would probably be dead by now and not necessarily by the hand of those we faced in the 'job'.

It's been 29 great years, and I've been a lucky man. And I am thankful every day for her, and our family.

[Guest Close dragon]

A very good thread this.

[Guest Close Bean]

I steadily got worse, drinking, gambling and erupting for no reason

The exact same self rehabilitation that I have been doing for years, but I have asked the army for help and believe me folks, things havent changed. They say they will help, but they pay lip service to it with veiled threats of job security, and lets face it who needs a guy flying a helicopter who isnt feeling mentally balanced? Is it better that I have hidden this for the past 29 years and getting steadily worse by the day. Yes I have lost my rag and I said to a wife (of one of my Sgts) in a social situation 5 months ago that "I will stick that noisy little toy up your arse if you press the button again" (it was a childs toy and annoying me in the unit bar during a social)....instant suspension as a WO1, how do I know its 5 months? cos I`m still suspended for sexual harassment and they dont know what to do with me. How PC does this army have to get? Have we forgotten about the concept of acceptable risk in bollocking our soldiers? Soap box stowed sorry, now back on track......Things like that have dogged me throughout my job (I refuse to call it a career!) and to be honest I should have been pulled up earlier for much worse (but never ******** on my mates or their families)....but RCTVET, please please get in touch, I feel that we have so much more in common than most of those who have passed through your life, I now know that if I need to shed a tear, then I will go straight to your post!!!

Respect and love mate, sincerely!

Bean

[Guest Close Bean]

Tears are honestly flowing here Rctvet, I hope you have had a reasonably fulfilling life since, but, as I know, the demons in the night just leave you tired in the morning. Mornings are sh1t because you dont know whats going to happen that day. Afternoons are a little better cos you have got the fog from your mind but the best time of the day is in my case quite late in the evening when its peaceful and you have played the "I will stay up later than you game" with your wife. YOU know where I am coming from, thats when the demons start again. I havent gambled for 6 months now, but when I did I would do a months wages in one night! I still drink, but I am getting it under control bit by bit. Those are the things I can control, but I do dread going to sleep! I have no control over what my mind does at night and woke up the other night shouting "stop it" to the ghosts and the furbie who were making my bed shake.I woke up the following morning to soaking sheets and was sick for 3 days afterwards through pure mental exhaustion.

If there is such a thing, then you and I are friends in isolation.....let us change that for all our sakes but just as importantly, for the sake of those who have seen us through it and loved us regardless!

As ever,

Bean

[Guest Close WIDNESMANC]

I was actually based at Ballykelly in 1980/81 and ended up getting engaged to a girl from coleraine, one of her best friends was Valerie Mcintyre who naturally became a good friend of mine, the pair of them came and visited me back over on the mainland after I left the province, Although the relationship didn't work out I still had fond memories of both my ex and Valerie. When I heard that the bomb had gone off I managed to get hold of the ex's parents to make sure she was alright as I knew both her and valerie used to frequent the pub. Fortunately for my ex she did not go out that night but unfortunately for Valerie she did, She was one of the civilians killed that dreadfull night and although I wasn';t there I still feel in someway (indirectly) I was involved. Every rememberance day I always spare a moment to remember all those that lost their lives that night especially Valerie a good friend never to be forgotton.

[Guest Close dragon]

Morning Bean,Like Widnesmanc,Ive seen in an indirect way,how things like this can affect people,one espesially comes to mind,I was serving in lurgan with A mate whos sister was caught up in an explosion on the mainland,I visited hes home once or twice when i left the army,but have since lost touch.I remember their being real hatred in him for the people that done it,i do remember that much.Bean,You try and look after your self mate.

[spanner Association Member & WUSA Overseas rep aka Cathie Find all posts View Profile Close spanner]

As a person who was caught in a bomb blast, I can tell you it is nothing like the film or tv version, people do not jump in the air shouting 'aarrgh' pick themselves up and walk away dusting themselves of, they rip to pieces, I have seen that hundreds of times since the actual event in 71, in Kens book Bloody Belfast, the bit where the pressure wave knocked me out seems to have vannished during printing, anyway, my world went totally blank, no sight sound or feeling and definitely no sense of time. Can you imagine how many times I wished that I had been knocked out BEFORE I saw what I saw ? As I have said before, I was not an alcoholic, I became a workaholic, good for the bank balance but not for the family life, my better half stuck by me, 42 years on the 20/12, waking up is a bonus, going to sleep was always scary for me because that is the time the flashbacks would usually come. Keppra still works for me so I am very lucky that way.

[Guest Close rctvet]

Bean, self rehabilitation is an ongoing thing which we all have to do, the alternative is lots of drugs and a padded cell!
I know where you are coming from with regards to getting treatment but for me the biggest revelation was finding out there was actually something wrong with me and it had a name! The guy in BMH Rinteln who treated me as an outpatient for 12 months was brilliant, nothing was ever entered on my medical records, at my request, and if i had any hassle from the unit over attending for treatment he would be on the phone teelling them i needed treatment for some imaginary injury.
I have been out for 15 years now but listening to the news i thought treatment had improved and prejudices resolved.
Hang on in there mate you are not alone, as i have discovered this last week.

[Guest Close Bean]

rctvet, I know where you have been and you are obviously a bit further along the road than I. I havent quite got to the padded cell state yet, but I am on a dose of anti-depressants that would even make victor meldrew "the life and soul of a party". As the verve once said "the drugs dont work"......that is my contribution to popular culture for the day!!

Mate, every day is a struggle and whilst I know I can be diagnosed with a named condition, I am unwilling to submit myself to examination just yet in the hope that I can get through it, and you guys are helping me by reading this drivel online. Its not that I cannot, I just will not. I may well be at the end of my career within the army, but I wish to leave with my head held high and not as the depressed **** that was forced to leave.

So.....as I finish my career (job) at the end of 2012, I just would love to see everyone who was there that night supporting each other on Dec 6th with their families at a get together in the droppin well with a few moments of peace at 2315 in memory of those who have left us....then just get right royally ****ed knowing that it has gone and we should move on!....

What are the thoughts of the others on here?

Open invite to NIVETs............

Bean.

[BigStevie Old Sweat Find all posts View Profile Close BigStevie]

Everyone has a path; everyone has a journey that dictates that path.
The problem is that there are very few 'signposts' and it is the like of this thread - and the site in general - that can help in defining the path.

People on this site have probably tried or followed, or attempted to, many (if not all) of the different types of means that are available for finding ways through the dealing process. As has been said before, it is not a single procedure, it continues throughout our lives, it changes as we change and as the form in which our traumas change. Deal with one aspect, and another comes forward. Bit like the bloke on the stage running from one spinning plate to another, trying to keep them from hitting the deck.

The first important thing to realise - and this has become evident to some who have added to this thread - that you are not alone. To one extent or another, in different combinations, whatever way you suffer has been experienced by others on the site. Someone will always have been where you are - they might have come through it and have lessons to pass on, a solution to offer, or just be able to say '****, that's where I have been before'.
You can be absolutely sure of that fact.

This also works the other way - someone can come on and be describing how they have been torn by some sequence of internal trauma, and it will be like a lightbulb coming on in recognising something you have felt or suffered.
You can be absolutely sure of that fact, too.

But the key to the whole thing is talking - here, among your comrades. What you suffer, what returns again and again, has been felt so many times by others and to see someone else talking about it can be like opening a curtain to the light - in helping oneself, you are helping others too. They might not admit it, they might not say openly, or it may just come in a PM to you, "I felt this way, I didn't know anyone else did". What is vented here is for the good of all of us.
God Knows, what someone suffers now might be just around the corner for someone else and your putting it on here might just help them prepare, or even deal with, something that has yet to show itself completely.

Because a lot of what is suffered creeps up slowly; in small things, behaviour changes, that can go un-noticed other than by those we share our lives with, until the dam bursts. We are often the last to know - or, the last to admit - that there is something deep, from the past, that needs to be allowed out and dealt with.

I'm preaching to the converted here, I'm sure; it comes quietly, slowly, creeps up from the background, or it just comes in a bloody wave one day, at work, in a restaurent, walking the dog, driving alone. Or both.

It can take years to grow, to beat down the box we have placed it in, or it can be with us throughout our lives. And not only with us but also our loved ones, who often can only stand by helpless, not knowing how to help but also perhaps not even knowing why you have changed. They need to know, to understand, so they can help you work through it. It is not weakness, you will be strong again, but to continue with them in the dark can be self-defeating - for everyone. They are your greatest strength, and your greatest reason to keep going.

Talking here is a start, and can be a 'refresher' during the journey. A recharge of strength, a release.

The other thing to remember is - forgive yourself. Blame is often self-inflicted; what happened, happened; it was not your fault, and you could not have changed things. Nothing you do to yourself during your life will change things and will not change the past. Be fair to yourself; they would not want you to do this to yourself.

Instead, live your life for them: do all the things that they did not get chance to do, in their memory. Make your life as happy and meaningful as you can, in their place. Not only for yourself but for the people in your life, too. This is the greatest honour we can give them.

Keep talking folks, feel the springs ease.

[Guest Close Guest]

Well said BigStevie. And very, very true.

[Guest Close Bean]

Stevie, Thanks and so eloquently put. No 2 people are the same, we all have different experiences and as you say, we all have our own path to tread.

I wholeheartedly thank you guys who have sympathised, questioned and even taken the mickey at times. I have been in a massive hole for a long long time but could never admit it until recently....because you folk here allowed me to offload! so applaud yourselves as you are acheiving something you never logged on to do.

I, on the other hand, whilst going through this have found an empathy with others who may not have been there, as well as those who were.

I might have to post a follow on at sometime, but for me at the moment I have to rest mentally and get on with my life for a little. I will naturally follow and comment, but I cant see me posting on this thread for a week or maybe more whilst I concentrate on the things Stevie said.

Just please remember Pat Cooke on the 16th.......I will forever.

Bean.

[Guest Close Bean]

Guys,

its been a while.....I went to Ballykelly yesterday and to my disappointment the droppin well is now derelict. Does anyone know what the plans are for it? I now live in NI (could never leave the place) and would love to see it restored instead of festering away as it seems to be at the moment.

[BigStevie Old Sweat Find all posts View Profile Close BigStevie]

Bean, since the old MQs were sold off the local area has...let's say, 'changed' to a degree.
Whoever decides to do something with the old place will fall into certain criteria that fits in with the local population, so to speak.
And the money to set up or revive such a property is, bluntly, just not there anymore, unless you are laundering money for certain organisations.....ah, that don't exist anymore, we're at peace, silly me.